I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
