NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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