I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
