I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
