Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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