Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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