So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
