my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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