i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
FUCK WHALES
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
