I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
