Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
