I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is it because I queefed?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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