how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
