You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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