Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
