I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
