How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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