what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
