ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
