he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
