I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
