ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
