I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
