I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
