Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
