I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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