**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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