Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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