Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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