She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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