she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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