So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
