I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
