I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
