I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
