New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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