So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
