what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
