First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
