I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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