You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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