His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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