my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
