I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
