I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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