I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
