Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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