i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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