I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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