First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
