Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
