i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
