You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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