$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
