Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
