I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
