he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
