you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
