There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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